A Place Where I Could Let Go Of Who I Pretended To Be

One of my chores was to water cows every day during the summer. I’d load up the kids in Old Bones (that’s what I named the water truck) and we’d head down the dusty country road, through town, up a steep hill then into the bumpy field. On the far edge of the field where it dips down into the coulee was my place of solace… That’s where I’d sit on the stony ground and think about life.

Cactus blooms decorated the hillside, and wild flowers danced in the wind. Graceful irises smiled up from the spring below just happy to be alive as the sun reached down and kissed each one of us.

Countless times that sage scented breeze dried tears from my cheeks. Sitting there staring at the mountains with my knees tucked up under my chin, the storm inside of me that I had to hide from everyone else could finally let loose. Thunder from deep within my soul would shake my body forcing the rain to fall… and fall… and fall… My heart could break anew as it had done the day before. Shattered by the harsh words, cruel glances and twisted mind games that had been played by someone that claimed he loved me.

Conversations would flash through my mind like lightening. His lies echoing in my empty heart.

I remember thinking, “if I don’t love you, you can’t hurt me. You can’t break my heart if you don’t have it!” Yet, my young heart was so undeniably broken and filled to the brim with pain.

It was there on top of the hill looking down that I could finally breathe though and just let my emotions take over knowing that God understood all that I couldn’t put into words. Words cannot describe what a loving person feels when they are so cruelly abused.

“Let me feel, let me hurt, let me loose what I have to hold in when I’m not alone” was the cry of my heart.

The questions like puzzle pieces floated here and there. Nothing fitting together, nothing making sense. Will it get better? Will this great brokenness ever mend? Or is this life for me… What about my babies? What does life hold for them with such a cruel father? Will my love for them win? Can I show them the picture of Christ they need to see? Can I be strong enough for all of us? But I’m already breaking!!!

My sobs were interrupted by my phone ringing. Quickly composing myself, drying my tears and clearing my throat, I put back on the smile I wore in public and answered the phone,

“Hey, babe… Yep, just finished watering the cows. Headed back home here in a minute… Ok sounds good… Love you too…”

Deep breath, crawled back up in the truck, leaned over and kissed my sleeping baby, shoved Old Bones into gear and headed back. Back to where I didn’t want to be…