I Would Keep on Living…

“I hate you!” I screamed into the hot stale air of the cab. Tears making the dirty windshield even harder to see through. Sweat running down my chest, my fist throbbing from beating the steering wheel…

My arm burning on the metal truck side, but I didn’t care… the smell of smoke in the air, the taste of hell in my mouth, might as well burn my arm for all the pain my heart was taking.

His cruel words kept racing through my mind just like the flames of wildfire to the west, singeing everything they touched… marring, taunting, torturing…

Melting everything together until life itself was a blur… made up of confusion, hurricanes and fire… overwhelmed with the feeling of suffocation… and no where to go…

I was constantly kept in a cycle of fear… wanting to dodge the bullets, but afraid to admit he was shooting them… wishing to run but knowing he would find me… desperate to tell but fearing no one would believe me anyway…

Now alone for a few hours, fear turned to anger…

“God, why did you make men this way?! Why is he so cruel? Why is he mean? Why is it my responsibility to make this work when he’s fighting to destroy everything? He crushes me every time I try to stand, all the while I try to lift him up! I CANNOT SERVE A GOD THAT TREATS ME THIS WAY!!”

“Have I ever treated you this way?” Was the gentle reply… the same gentleness that God always came to me with. I could feel Him there with all of His love, the love that had saved me so many times… the love that loved me…

I thought of all the times I had begged God for comfort and He had given me beautiful verses about rescuing me from many waters, about making my storm calm, and stilling the waves… about passing through the fire and not being burned.

The water and fire was still all around, but my rescuer was near…

My shoulders slumped, my forehead hit the wheel… tears soaked my dusty red-top boots… cracked and worn, they welcomed the tears right in…

Surrender shook my body as my heart tried to understand… my mind could never explain why someone would be so cruel. But my soul was so thankful for a God that was not.

I sat there until all emotion was gone… until the noise was silenced, until I was empty… the last few tears dried on my sunburned face… smoke stung my eyes, my heart resolved to beat while broken, my mind threatened to give up…

I jumped to the ground and slammed the door shut…

I would keep on living… I would go on until God rescued me… until then… I knew He was near…