How Cruel It Was That He Should Thrive In The Sea of My Sorrow, While I Died A Little More Each Day…

Far off in the distance, golden sunbeams kissed waves as they splashed up on the beach. The warm sand led up to gentle grasses where flowers bloomed and trees flourished. It was the perfect day, really and I could have enjoyed it had it not been for the dark fin cutting through the water… Circling, accusing, mocking…

The anchor lanyards of self doubt and fear wrapped tightly around my legs dragging me down into this sea of confusion and sorrow. Far too long I had been here struggling to keep my head above the surface. So many times I had given up… Sinking… Only to see him circling… laughing, scorning my failure to survive. His antagonizing eyes pierced holes through my heart. He shook the chains of fear and doubt as he rushed by making sure I felt every bit of hatred and anger he possessed.

Arising once again, I was choking on the brutal words he spewed my way, sputtering, helplessly explaining myself, the bitter tears again streamed down my cheeks only adding to the vastness of my ever growing ocean. My silent screams filled the air as I felt his lies cut through my skin. Ripping, tearing to pieces every thing that made me, everything that I held dear, everything… I saw slipping away…

Stricken with paralyzingly fear, I pretended to be calm… Calmly drowning…

How cruel is was that he should thrive in my sea of confusion and sorrow while I died a little more each day. He feasted on my love while I starved on his hatred.

Dreaming of getting away, I cast my glance toward the island of Precious Freedom. Many people live there. I waved to my friends as they passed by and they would wave back asking how life was in the beautiful water. As the words “help me” would form on my lips I felt pressure against me and a tearing at my flesh; I knew that a smile is what I must force to my face and the words “life is great” echoed across the chasm instead. Laughing happily my friends  turned away. I watched them skip on with their life of peaceful serenity as I nursed the fresh gash I had received for even thinking about freedom.

If only they could see the frantic terror in my eyes along with the endless horror in my soul, caused by this monster with a counterfeit smile. My entire being so tired of treading water, barely staying alive for the weight of these fetters… For the weight of this life…

But I had become too good at hiding my pain with a smile. Too adept at hiding the scars of old wounds and the blood of new ones with the mask of happiness. Underneath the surface a mangled mess and all they saw was a smiling face…

Yet, to ignore the pain meant to live another day. To admit it meant unrelenting wrath from the one who kept a circle around me. And to tell the world? That certainly meant an end to my days…

But had the end already come? After all, I’m only a shadow of what I used to be. A shell… A stalwart facade hiding the broken heart of a once happy and carefree girl.

I was drowning… in this sea of my confusion and sorrow, filled to overflowing with my very own tears. Anchored by self doubt and fear that he had so carefully bound. So carefully weaved so as to never be undone… It’s a sea that he would claim I created myself, yet he is the one that causes the endless flow.

As the last ray of Hope and sunshine slipped behind the clouds and disappeared beyond the horizon the darkness crept in to take its place. I couldn’t see him, but I knew he was there. I could feel him. Circling, lurking, waiting for me to move, to make a mistake or try to escape. The harsh nudge against my chains was just his reminder that this sea was where I belong and to never imagine another way.

My prison, his castle. My pain, his joy. My death, his life…

How many times had he said, “I have never been this happy! Life has never been this good”. Perhaps it was I then, with the counterfeit smile… a smile I did not mean but had to force, an empty laugh instead of the sob caught in my throat, a pretense of calm to hide the terror… To feel as if I were truly dying yet pretend that life was grand… All to prevent him who “gave me such a wonderful life” from tormenting me further…

My head fell back as I closed my weary eyes. The evening waters swept my hair and touched my face. My only comfort was my pain…

Freedom… Along with every other dream sank beneath the waves…